Dear Mr. President: Executive Orders Aren’t Energy Drinks
A satire on pen-wielding chaos, legal sugar highs, and governing by impulse
Dear Mr. President,
You seem to think executive orders are energy drinks. The more you chug, the more powerful you feel. Fast, loud, and always in your hand like a can of Red Bull with a Sharpie.
But this isn’t a frat house. It’s the White House.
And we’re all paying for your caffeine-fueled impulsivity.
Law by Whim, Order by Vibe
Executive orders were designed to clarify law, not replace it. To direct agencies, not demolish them.
But under your leadership, they’ve become mood swings in memo form.
Immigration? Sign something.
Healthcare? Scribble a command.
Internet memes making fun of you? Executive Order 404: Ban Mockery.
You wield the pen like it’s a wand.
But even wands require training.
You’re Not a Wizard. You’re Just Wired.
The Constitution didn’t anticipate a president with a short fuse and a long signature.
You treat the rule of law like a rules menu. Pick one. Ignore the rest. Add your name in Sharpie.
Your version of democracy is: “Because I said so.”
That’s not leadership.
That’s a tantrum on official letterhead.
Every Order Has a Cost
It’s not just what you write. It’s what your signature sets into motion.
Real people. Real consequences. Real institutions twisted to fit your whims.
Each order you sign may feel like a win in the moment, but it comes with:
- Legal challenges
- Institutional erosion
- A slow decay of separation of powers
You can’t build a nation on sugar rushes.
Eventually, the crash comes.
History Keeps Receipts
We know the headlines thrill you. The optics. The bravado.
But beneath the stack of signed folders is a paper trail of erosion.
Of governing not by vision, but by vengeance.
You weren’t elected to play king. You were elected to lead a democracy.
And yet, with each scribble, you trade law for performance.
And ink for authority you never earned.
Sincerely,
A Citizen tired of the buzz
📬 Ink fades. Power doesn’t.
Read more dispatches from the edge inside the Dear Mr. President satire and other series installments here.
